It’s the 5th of December 2019 and I am unbearable tired. And I was running through the reasons of why I could feel like this and currently it isn’t late nights or work stress. Which is great – but then what the hell is wrong with me?
SO tired. Bone crushingly tired. And sad. And quiet. And 100% not my usual mostly irritating positive self. I am trying to book an appointment with my GP. I want to check my thyroid levels, Vitamin B, Vitamin D and Iron. Ya know, the usual suspects that have me feeling like this.
But them I started running through the year. I forced myself to take off my rose tinted glasses and think about all the bad things that happened this year. Maybe that is super depressing? But also, maybe it is a reality check. And you know what – 2019 has actually been a tough year for us. So I am going to spew my list out into the world.
As a permanently happy person who always looks for the silver lining I never actually stop and think – this was a BAD YEAR. It seems crazy to condemn a whole year. Something must have been good right?? BUT maybe that kind of thinking isn’t good. Maybe that kind of thinking robs me of kindness, of understanding and of much needed gentleness towards myself. Maybe admitting that 2019 was a BAD YEAR will allow me to mourn the tough stuff, to acknowledge the hard things and to give myself a fucking break from looking for that damn silver lining. Does that make any sense to you? Or should I add losing my gosh darn mind to my list of symptoms?
Things that were hard in 2019:
* Jono spent 15 weeks of 2019 in Egypt.
This was hard because he was away and I missed him. But it was doubly hard because Jono was unhappy. And when your partner is unhappy you carry that with you because you love them and you want to make things right. Egypt was hard and dusty and mostly shit for Jono. It was great work experience and has enabled Jono to boost his retirement savings which we are grateful for. But it was hard.
* Jono’s dad died.
This was crushing and unexpected and I don’t need to explain this one.
* I was rushed to hospital the day before the funeral with kidney stones.
Like really universe? I have never been in more pain in my entire life and it was over a tiny stupid chunk of minerals. I also got a fabulous R1,700 CT scan bill that my new medical aid doesn’t cover.
* My family dog was diagnosed with cancer which due to her age and the progression of the cancer could not be treated. My parents were out of the country but were home in a month. The vet estimated Lucy had about 4-6weeks left to live. Jono and I looked after her as best we could, managed her pain and gave her all the love. That last week before she died was horrible. She was in pain and unhappy and my heart fucking broke.
* My dad put Lucy down the day of Jono’s dad’s funeral. This was my dad’s third child and his grief was crushing. My dad is a good man and seeing him hurting was awful.
* I have really struggled to deal with stress this year. It is something I am working on but I am quite possibly failing. I don’t particularly feel the side effects of the stress during the day. My stress comes to get me in my sleep. I wake up with my jaw clenched shut, my legs stiff and my fingernails have cut little half moons into the palms of my hands.This means the quality of my sleep is rubbish and everything is just kind of crap.
* We hit a tough three weeks in our relationship. We are on the other side of it now and things are better and I think we are stronger for it. But at the time, it was soul destroying. When your relationship feels rocky, and it is normally the solid foundation you have come to rely on, you whole world feels like it is coming to an end. And whilst we are good now this is still something that belongs to 2019 and made it harder.
(Please note: There was nothing horrific like an affair as then my next point would be Jono’s funeral and possibly an upcoming jail sentence.)
* We are renovating Jono’s flat. This seems like a silly one – because our home is looking so much better and when the renovations are done our lives will be better for it. But ya see, there’s the silver lining. And this is not a post for that. This is a post for complaining. So you know what? Renovations suck! It is dusty and messy and making decisions all the time is hard. *Stomps foot*
* I have a lot of guilt about neglecting this blog. Between work and this year as a whole – I just haven’t had time to blog. And when I do have time I simply lack the energy and the enthusiasm. Maybe this feels foolish to you. But I carry this guilt in the back of my mind. And when I slow down, when I climb into bed with a book, when I watch TV or scroll Instagram – I think…. you should be blogging. And that is starting to feel like an increasingly heavy weight.
* Work has actually been pretty quiet for the last two months. And I hate it. I know, this is weird for most people. But I actually love my job. I love the opportunity to learn. New projects in new industries are really exciting for me! We have been waiting… and waiting… for a new project to begin. And the waiting is slowly driving me insane. So I am feeling a little despondent and I feel like my brain is turning to mush.
Ending on not a positive note
I was going to end this post on a positive note. A round up to say 2019 wasn’t all that bad. Things are okay! However, if you lack the emotional intelligence to understand that talking about things being hard or sad does not preclude the capacity for joy and happiness and hope then I really can’t help you.
If you have found 2019 hard, I feel you. If you want to sit in a corner and lick your wounds – there is space in my corner. And if acknowledging that things are hard will allow you to be kinder to yourself I would really encourage you to do this. I think this time of year we all need a little more kindness just remember to extend it to yourself.
All my love, a very tired Tahlia